Love is Not a Chore: When You Fight About the Chores, You’re Not Really Fighting About the Chores

“Did we really come here to talk about this?” I hear patients ask, incredulous. “1000%, yes,” I say.

Battles over household chores and division of labor are common among long term couples. These disagreements are about more than the obvious difficulties that can arise around fairness, visibility, or exhaustion. When couples fight about the chores, it’s rarely just about the chores. Chores become a potent symbol of much deeper emotions, needs, and relationship dynamics; a painful reminder of all the ways we feel unmet and unseen, undervalued or undersupported. 

And…okay, sometimes it is about the logistics and gameplan for chores. But beyond the fact that a household cannot function well without clean dishes, fresh underwear, and shared Google calendars, the chores are a metaphor. The chores are emblematic of our desire for harmony in our relationship, an expression of the “I don’t wanna’s,” or a desire to be cared for. Living together is challenging even if you are in love with your housemate, and habits of cohabitation are an element of compatibility (or glaring reminder of incompatibility). There are few areas of shared life more intimate than the nitty gritty of living together, in fact. 

The signs of our partner’s presence in the home can sometimes feel bombarding. The way each person orders their environment is profoundly personal, so if our partner’s way of being in the home or completing chores differs from our own way of doing things, it can feel like a personal slight–as if they are leaving the cap off the toothpaste just to annoy us, or as if they “must not care about us” because they don’t seem to notice how we are affected by the mess. 

Even if it is clearly impersonal and we know our partner simply doesn’t notice the mess or hasn’t built the same housekeeping habits that we have, living together can bring up an intense longing for differentiation, solitude, or a space that is entirely our own. Sometimes people can feel guilt or inner conflict about wanting space to themself, as if this is some kind of betrayal of commitment. 

Other times, people know they are the one in the relationship who struggles with the chores. They can see how their habits (or lack of routine or discipline) are frustrating and stressful for their partner, and want to make a change but don’t know where to begin. How each person relates to home and housekeeping is intricately interconnected with their family of origin, neurology, and sensory processing system. If one person has ADHD, for example, the way they interact with their space and complete the chores is going to be very different from someone who is more “neurotypical” and doesn’t have any issues with executive functioning or object permanence. Or, if one person has already put in the work to develop helpful habits in the home despite the fact that it doesn’t come naturally to them, they might struggle to empathize with their partner’s reluctance to learn, or follow through.

There are a thousand reasons why couples fight over the chores, because the chores intersect with every other facet of the relationship. In many ways, how couples address disagreements and differences over the chores is indicative of how they address every other relationship issue. In any couplehood, there will always be fundamental friction around the fact that…well, there are two different people in the relationship. When two different people create a shared life, that difference will always inevitably come to head. Learning how to remain in intimacy as two fully separate, different people is at the crux of every long term committed partnership.  

looooots of feelings going on, not all about the laundry

Why Couples Fight Over the Chores

We all want to feel appreciated and valued in our relationship; like our presence is acknowledged and experienced as an enriching part of our partner’s life, rather than drain or obligation. The issue of household division of labor has a way of heightening our sensitivity to the so-called drudgery of day-to-day couplehood. We can become aware of our own reluctance to show up as our best self and put our best foot forward when it comes to the basic maintenance of our home, which is a metaphor for the basic maintenance of our relationship. In this way, fighting about the chores is actually fighting for the relationship. 

The Chores Illustrate Issues of Invisible Labor and Weaponized Incompetence

When our partner appears to drop the ball (or, ahem, actually does drop the ball), hardly registers our efforts, or remains oblivious to the growing list of incomplete household tasks, it can feel personal. It can feel like they don’t care about us or our feelings or how they affect us. In heteronormative relationships, this can come to a head when women feel like they take on the full mental load and must manage their partner’s participation in order to receive any help. The fact that his participation is even seen as “help” implies that the woman is the default housekeeper in the first place, which is incredibly draining if she is already working outside the home or taking on the brunt of parenting duties. 

The Chores Call Into Question Equity vs Equality in Our Relationship

Sometimes people believe that there should be perfect equality in their relationship for things to be fair– a 50/50 mentality predicated on the assumption that we must always divide household labor straight down the middle for things to feel balanced. But, as relationship coach Hannah Taylor says, “A healthy relationship is 100/100, not 50/50.” If each person is taking 100% responsibility for the household labor, it reduces the risk of one person becoming de facto manager or falling into a clunky (and unsexy) tit for tat mentality.   

In a long term partnership, there will always be some seasons of life where one partner takes on more of the household labor load than the other. This does not have to be a problem, so long as the imbalance isn’t permanent. People go through cycles of lows and highs in their individual lives, and it’s normal for our partner to have periods of time where they need more support. It’s also okay for us to go through periods where we lean on our partner more. This is one of the beautiful benefits of partnership.

It can also be clarifying to think about the distinction between equity and equality in our relationships. Sameness is not fairness. People have different strengths, skills, and areas of focus. It is usually the case that the labor each person contributes to the home falls within different categories; one person may naturally keep up with scheduling the car’s oil changes, whereas the other may be the first to water the house plants. Recognizing where our partner is getting ahead of different but equally important household needs can remind us that there are strengths in our differences, and that different skill sets are equally valuable to the household. 

The Chores Can Bring Up Differences in Family Culture and Values

The chores call into question our values, and reveal where we differ from our partner around things like prioritization, time management, and family culture. Some people grew up in a home where they always took off their shoes when they entered the door, whereas others grew up in a home where they were lucky if they could ever find their missing shoes. Acknowledging that the way we relate to housekeeping is part of our upbringing can allow us to connect with our partner’s humanity, and remember that our way of doing things is not necessarily the “correct” way, just because it is what we are used to. It can also be supportive to see the household management as a facet of the family culture you are building with your partner; to bring intentionality to the kind of unique home life you are co-creating in your adulthood for your own family. 

The Chores Compel Us to Understand Transactional vs Unconditional Love

Committed partnership has a way of revealing where we confuse transactional and unconditional love. There can be profound shame when we discover that we are secretly completing the chores because we want credit or something in return. It can be damaging to feel like our partner isn’t doing the chores because the chores need to be done, but because they need us to see them as indispensable or “good” or worthy. 

Although everyone needs positive reinforcement and regular appreciation for their contributions to the home, when we complete the chores because we NEED our family members or partner to appreciate our efforts, it’s not an act of true love or care. It is mostly about what we want to get from the relationship, not what we offer the relationship. It can take a long time to learn the difference between transactional and unconditional love in a culture that treats all labor as extractive, rather than nurturing. 

Many of us have internalized the belief that we must give something to someone in order to be deserving of receiving, or feel profoundly wounded by our own sense that we “aren’t good enough” to “deserve” love. A skillful therapist can help each person work through the feelings of unworthiness or extraction and return to a place where the labors of love feel reciprocal and freely given.  

When Did Love Become a Chore?  

Reframing “chores” as “caretaking” can offer a subtle but profound shift in how we think about household maintenance. Household maintenance is relationship maintenance. In long term committed partnership, it's the little things that compound over time to provide our overall sense of contentment and connection. Relationship maintenance, much like household maintenance, can easily begin to feel obligatory or like a burden. 

But relationship maintenance is not a chore, it’s a choice. All relationships require ongoing maintenance, and that doesn’t mean we have to take on more responsibility than our fair share. It just means we have to notice every bid for connection, every opportunity to offer care, and take those moments seriously as a way we can maintain the connection with our beloved. Some therapeutic models call this “putting money in the bank.” This can include things like small talk at the supper table, remembering important events and struggles in our partner’s life, asking thoughtful follow up questions. It can include cleaning all the old leftovers out of the fridge, scheduling regular date nights, and taking on more of the chores when we know our partner is feeling stressed. 

When the chores are approached as a vital opportunity to show our partner that the relationship matters to us–that they matter to us–it’s no longer about division of labor, transaction, or believing our way is the best way. It’s about remembering that love is not a chore.

If you're ready to find with your partner what's beneath the constant task-oriented arguments, reach out for relationship therapy today.